Trying to Figure it Out

Depression

I just wanted to write a quick blog for today.  I haven’t had much to say lately because I have been dealing with my own demons.  I have had to figure out some things, find out where I was going.  I have been questioning a lot of things, like am I meant to be a writer.

Hopefully that helps you other writers out there see how dark my mind has become.  Some people write for fun.  Other write to calm and soothe the voices that all talk at once.  I am the one who writes for the voices.  I also write for fun, but it’s mostly to keep myself sane.  But this thought lead me to more things that I needed to see in my own life.

Everyone says that I work hard for my dreams.  They say that I am smart and that I just keep going.  And I don’t blame them for thinking this.  I do a mean impression of someone who is okay.  But the reality of the matter is, I give up all the time.  I get tired of fighting so hard and getting no results, so I just give up.

My new goal in life is to finish things I start.  I started this path to become a published author and I am going to finish it.  I started this path to become healthy and fit, I am going to finish it.  I get tired just thinking about it.

It’s funny, I watch other people and see how things come so easy to them.  I feel like everything in my life has been a struggle.  I have fought for everything that I have and I watch as others are handed everything.  Granted, I do appreciate everything I have much more since I have worked so hard for it, but sometimes it would be nice to be handed something awesome.

At least I think that sometimes.  There is a saying that says “If you didn’t fight for it, it’s not worth having.” Or something like that.

What needs to happen in my life is I am going to have to fight this constant state of fatigue.  I am going to have to push forward and stop using the excuse that I am tired.  I use it a lot…but I am always tired.

The past few weeks I have let light slip through my fingers.  I have hid my depression in sleep.  I have spent more money than I should.  I deal with the darkness of my mind in all the wrong ways.  I hid in sleep and shopping.  And that is a problem.  One, my bank account is getting pretty bare.  Two, I am missing out on something, I just don’t know what.

I know all the people reading this blog are probably tired of reading about my depression.  You are probably rolling your eyes and thinking “are we still on this?”  Don’t worry, I am rolling my eyes too, because I can’t believe I am still dealing with this mess.  Also, I am sorry that my blogs have not been entertaining lately.  This is how I deal when I am awake.  I write it all out.  My thoughts are every where.  It is chaos.  Hopefully, things are going to start to change starting this weekend.

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