There are still days in my adult life that I fall back into the habits of my younger self. I have shared it once before, the hardships in the past and all the things I went through. I have gone through depression and suicidal thoughts. I have gone through moments where life just didn’t seem worth living anymore.
Yesterday some how ended up being one of those days. I am just tired of so many things in life. The fight to be accepted for my weirdness. The struggle to find a special someone to enjoy my awkwardness. The battle to be okay with myself. The constant conflict about my work. Wondering if I am good enough. Wondering if I am only wasting my time. Wondering if I should be doing more.
I feel like some where deep inside of myself I have so much to offer, but no one seems to want to see it or take it. There are days that I just feel invisible and it’s hard to deal with. I am, after all, a Leo. Leo’s love the spotlight and we love attention. I am not in constant need of attention, but I could use a little more.
It’s days like yesterday that I really wish I had a job, but then I realize how much a job would take away from the work that I really want to do.
I want to be a writer. I want to own my own company. I want to help others. I want to be free to go where ever, when ever. I want to be healthy and athletic. I want to be surrounded by people that like me and won’t turn on me the moment I do something they don’t agree with.
You must forgive me for this rant, but sometimes it’s the only way to get past these dark moments. And writing poetry helps too. It seems to be the only time that I am inspired to write poetry. Sometimes what you feel can not be told in words, it has to be sung in a poem.
So, today I will share with you a poem that I wrote to try and help me out of this dark place. I hope you like it, and if you don’t it’s okay. It helped me deal with the demon that goes by the name of depression.
The Demon Within
It’s not something that just goes away
It’s a battle that I fight every day
The demon swims through every lesion
Waiting for my fight to weaken
It waits for the moment when the lights go out
And grows stronger with every tear filled shout
There is nothing that can be done
As it shifts to cover the light of the sun
Surrounded in darkness, with nothing to hold
I will believe every single lie I am told
“You are stupid and fat.”
“You are nuttier than a bat.”
“You are not worth the air you steal.”
“Your face should be hidden under lock and seal.”
Before I know it, the faces are my own
The lies become something I’ve always known
The lies become truth in my mind
To anything else, I am blind
The demon takes over with aggression
I am empty, just his possession
Nothing more than a doll on strings
Forced to walk with gears and springs
This is no life for a girl like me
I should be happy, I should be free
I have fallen down the rabbit hole
With no Hatter to save my soul
One day the world will understand that these dark moments are not something to “Just get over.” One day the world will understand the strength it takes to come out on top of these moments.
I hope that everyone has a beautiful day today. Please find something that makes you smile. 🙂